Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.