Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Extremely relatable.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?