hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
You Might Also Like
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
prepare for carbonated trouble
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?