hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.