Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

“You drive, I’m tired.”

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

The game has officially changed 😎

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.