Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

🙋‍♀️

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.