Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

I want this so bad

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.