-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*