-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.