Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The two types of wives

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

tell em, edith-anne

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.