Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Dance like you’re not the father
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.