Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place