Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
THE DOG😭😭💀
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.