Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.