Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question