Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

A choir of Spring onions

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.