Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Animal poetry
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I am laughing way too hard at this.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
@funTweeters I am at your service….