Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Roombas should bark
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).