“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
GM✌🏻
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France