“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
You Might Also Like
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Plant care tips
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.