“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
True
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays