Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

War & Peace

incredible

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

be safe out there!

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

wishing you and yours all the best

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one