Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

who did the taste test?

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

a McRib killed my tapeworm