Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

Teach your children to beatbox

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc