Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Based Erika

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.