Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You Might Also Like
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.