Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You Might Also Like
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Ooops wrong house😂😜
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
where’s Godzilla when we need him