Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
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Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.