Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

They got a point!

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do