Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
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ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.