Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!