Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.