Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.