Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.