Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Breaking news:
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”