Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah