Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My life in a nutshell
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Van Gone
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.