Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW