Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
You Might Also Like
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
pictures of spider-man
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.