Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
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Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.