Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

I try

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.