Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Happy birthday to all the women
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”