Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Brilliant!
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
inside you are two wolves
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”