Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
i will not be silenced
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Happy thanksgiving
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.