Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable