Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
shakira sharkira
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.