Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company