Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
5 ways to appear taller
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind