Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Stop being racist to kettles.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.