@Sickayduh

“Hey Fred”
Yeah Barney?
“The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band”
Yeah but ABBA do!

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@JonasPolsky

If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”

@robin_991

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

@isabelzawtun

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

@walkerwalt

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

@MaraWilson

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

@murrman5

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?