*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool