hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Breaking news:
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Heroic Misunderstanding
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.