I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’