If Dracula saw Twilight, he’d stake himself.
“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”
– the Abdominal Snowman
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if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.