Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”