Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…