Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Florida man
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
that wasn’t the question
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day