Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.