Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
You Might Also Like
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.