Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
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Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
