Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.