Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
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90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
She might be a genius
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?