Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Get in loser we’re going crying

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont