Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Spring of Deception
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication