Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
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Lol #dogsoftwitter
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life