Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

always be there

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…