Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
You Might Also Like
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.