Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
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bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Close call…
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell