Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

A short story of betrayal:

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?