Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

I love art.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾