Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.