Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
No, YOUR illiterate.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
