Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok