Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.